As Transparent as Scotch Tape...

A couple of blogs ago, I had said that this blog was going to be a journal...telling the good, the bad, and the ugly. That I would post things to help me stay accountable and possibly help a few others in that area as well. I haven't lived up to that as of yet...I haven't been accountable...OUCH! Do you realize how painful that is to say. It's time to step up to the accountability plate...to be as transparent as Scotch tape.

My husband and I have been married now for almost 23 years. In today's world, that is quite an accomplishment. Like many marriages though, ours has been filled with ups and downs....I would be lying if I said it was pure bliss. We have faced many trials that are common...financial issues, disagreements when it comes to parenting etc... those are normal. We have also faced issues that for many are not common place- the stress of having two premature children two years apart (unless you have experienced that first hand, you can not understand what I am talking about), having a child with an illness of unknown origin (IUO) and being told by doctors that they have no answers, packing a family up and moving 1/2 way across the U.S. to take a job- only to be told shortly after, that there was a loss of funding, and they could not honor the employment contract. All of these issues have added some bumps in the road however they have not been the biggest factor of stress...I have been. Here's where my transparency comes into play...I am the kind of person that holds on to everything... we are talking a strangle hold. My husband on the other hand, is the complete opposite. Like a duck that sheds water off its back, he just lets things roll off his; a foreign concept for me to say the least. This extreme difference between us, has been an stumbling block in our marriage for a long time. I actually began to grow bitter because of his ability to let things go...after all, he didn't hold on to the things that have hurt or upset me...in my eyes his "I've asked for forgiveness and now it is time to move on" meant that he did not care about me or how I was feeling. Oh, I told my husband that I forgave him, but I never let the issues go. I was putting everything back on him, when the real issue lied with me. My choke hold has been strangling not only our marriage, but MY life. I have been holding on to things saying "see, I'm in control" when in actuality, I have been losing control. It took someone else to help me realize this...and to see that not only have I been losing control of my life, I have been ripping my marriage apart, and hurting my kids and those around me that I love as well. The sad thing, is that I can not use Scotch tape to go back and mend the past...realizing this is a good thing though. Why? Because my choke hold is connected to the past, and I have to concentrate on the here and now. Are there still going to be bumps in the road? Yes, I would be a fool to say there won't be. Are there going to be times when I latch onto things with a grip so tight it will be hard to let go...probably, because that has been my nature for a very long time. But I am thankful that I was able to sit down with my husband and tell him this (without errupting like I would normally do, because my life has been so out of control). I am thankful, that I have come to terms with the issues I need to work on and change so that I can gain control of my life...without trying to control everything and everyone around me. I am thankful...

I have now become transparent... this was difficult to write. No one wants to admit they are wrong, that they have caused great pain in the lives of others. So, why did I write this. One, reason was to work through my feelings, to have something to look back on when I am struggling (I know I will still battle this from time to time) but I also wrote this in hopes that my words might help someone else that has a death grip on the past. Maybe by seeing my transparency they will see how important it is to truly forgive and "forget".